by Brandon Reed

It’s that time of year.

The holidays are upon us and the scent of autumn is in the air. Your family and/or friends have gathered once more to slow down and take time to appreciate their gifts and to count their blessings from another year passed.

Thanksgiving is a beautiful holiday anchored in rich traditions and wonderful memories for so many families. It’s rather uncommon today to see people slowing down and specifically recognizing all we’ve been given but so often take for granted.

But what if this year, Thanksgiving doesn’t look anything like that in your home? What if instead of joy, laughter, and thankfulness, your experience is one of tension, anger, and division? This is a much more accurate picture of what it looks like for countless families during the holidays.

Whether this year is going to be uniquely challenging because of recent circumstances you all have been through, or you simply can’t remember the last holiday that didn’t end in someone leaving in tears, you are not alone in this struggle.

Unfortunately, Thanksgiving can be one of the most challenging and divisive days of the year for a family. Granted, much of what this holiday represents brings about lasting, joyful memories. But the very things that can make this day special, are often much of what binds a family to the familiar places of brokenness and hurt.

The tension your family experiences may be due to divorce, or death, or unfaithfulness, or distance, or any number of other situations. But whatever it may be that is causing the division, you need to know that you can still lead well, even through and within that brokenness and pain.

As men, we are called to lead. As gentlemen, we are called to lead with integrity, with character, with patience, with love, and without condition.

Gentlemen are called to lead with integrity, character, patience, love, and without condition. Click To Tweet

You are not to withdraw from the brokenness. You are to step boldly into it, and prove to your family that the circumstances pulling you apart are weaker than the ones that bind you together. You are to be the first to enter into the uncomfortable and often painful areas that your family is overwhelmed and intimidated by. Your role is to be strong. Not to blend in.

Now gentlemen, let me clarify the word “strong” for you in this context. We have fed lie after lie to men in our society that strength is synonymous with control and heavy-handedness. That to lead is to demand. We couldn’t have that more backwards.

We must step boldly into brokenness not by forcing open the door that leads to restoration, but by placing the key into the lock with confidence, turning the handle with faithfulness, walking through it with sensitivity and grace, and then hoisting it open with trustworthiness so that others may walk freely through it, assured that it is safe to do. We do this by carrying ourselves with uncommon patience and relentless love.

Somehow the world has gotten to this place where it believes that to show kindness is to show weakness. That the only way to show power is to demand control.

Gentlemen, you must understand…your family does not need a powerful man, it needs a kind man. A patient man. A man with steadiness in his leadership and consistency in his actions. Lead your family in this way, and you have lead them well.

Gentlemen, you must understand. Your family does not need a powerful man, it needs a kind man. Click To Tweet

So this all sounds nice, but what does it mean for you? What does “entering into brokenness” and “leading well through tension” mean, really?

Of course I acknowledge that every situation is different and every family has their own unique dynamics. Not all of these suggestions will be right for all families. But take a look at the list below and perhaps you can challenge yourself to committing to 3 of them this Thanksgiving. You may or may not succeed as you attempt them, but I can assure you that your family will be blessed by your effort, and that’s a huge step forward.

  1. Help in the Thanksgiving meal preparations.
  2. If you are having others over to your home, be the one who greets guests as they enter and be a welcoming, refreshing presence.
  3. Be looking out for others who are stressed or overwhelmed. If you see someone struggling with a task, offer to take that off of their plate so they can move on to other things.
  4. Be present and engaged. Trust me, I love football as much as the next guy, but hearing the announcer call the game is never worth sacrificing a conversation with a family member or friend.
  5. If possible, try and think of everyone’s favorite candy or snack and stock your pantry with those items. Just as everyone’s “food coma” is wearing off, go get them and surprise everyone with an unexpected gift!
  6. If there is someone there who you haven’t spoken to in a while, ask them to go on a short walk at some point during the day. Just a circle around the block is enough to catch up with them and to show them that they are cared for and valued.
  7. Don’t take the last piece of Turkey. ;)
  8. Listen more than you speak. But this is not an invitation to disengage. Truly listen.
  9. Be a resolver of arguments, not an instigator of them. If tensions rise, be the one to speak up with kindness and suggest the most appropriate action that will be best for the people involved in the argument. Be the voice of resolution, not of conflict.
  10. If this is something that would bless your family, have everyone go around the table and say something they are specifically thankful for about the person on their left or on their right. You’d be amazed how much people are blessed by hearing those things spoken out loud.
  11. Be a general source of positivity. This might look like noticing what people are wearing and complimenting them. Don’t be fake but let people know if you actually like their new hair cut or jacket.

One last thing I must mention before I wrap up.

Yes, I am suggesting that men lead by entering into difficult circumstances that their families have previously or are currently experiencing. But that doesn’t mean you need to necessarily bring those things up, or address them specifically at some point during the day. For some families this approach may be needed and appropriate. But for others, addressing the issue outright may feel insensitive and harsh.

You know your family’s situation, tendencies and history. Take all of those into account as you determine what the best way will be to lead them.

I hope you’ve been able to take at least a few bits of helpful advice from this article. Remember, you don’t have to be in an environment of extreme tension or hurt to serve the ones around you unexpectedly well. Helping with the dishes goes MUCH further than you’d think, even to your wife with whom you have a happy and healthy marriage.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all.

Until Soon,

Brandon Reed
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